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the past few days have been kind of rough mentally - 100 % because I forgot to take my meds and I kind of went off the rails for a bit. I'm back, medicated and dreaming about introducing Chicken to Jimmy Kimmel on air. The feelings from the heartsquish I went through last month have resurged with a vengeance. The difference is this time around I have a compassionate support system. I do still have major sabotage-y tendencies, like going to see his new show and getting too drunk and yelling at him about his poor choice in toxic deodorant. I miss him. I don't know if I thought he was my forever person, like i don't even think I believe in that construct for me anymore, but I do want him in my life longer. Selfish, yes, but my daily pattern update just told me to 'own all of your qualities without guilt or inhibition". I choose selfishness.
I have a ton of judgement being "that girl" who is derailed by a guy and blah blah blah. I hate that I think about him and I hate that I talk about him like it matters to anyone else. I have to break it down as if I am a character in a play going through these circumstances - because it's not about him, really. It's about attaching feelings to something. How do I feel about the feelings and how do I feel about having attached them to something that does not have the capacity to juggle or reciprocate. How do I feel about who I was during the transfer of feelings and how do I feel now? How did my life look before, during and after this transfer? Knowing one can not truly go back, how do I feel moving forward having lost something? Knowing one can not truly go back, how do I feel moving forward having gained something despite the loss?
Anywho- I have a call back in a few hours. The spot is a young couple making out in a car. The audition was horrendous as this stranger adamantly thrusted his tongue in my mouth despite the repeated instructions by the CD to not do that. Hopefully he didn't get the call back and I get paired with Jake Gyllenhaal.
Then I'm off to Noisy Nest. I have a meeting about creating a separate Audition + Rehearsal studio in the next office over. Lots to do. Huzzah!
x B
So truly stream of consciousness and I lovvvve the acknowledgement that it really ISN'T ABOUT HIM! Your self awareness is something I always take note of and respect. You are a leader in more ways than you even know.
you're magic. I just fucking love your brain, Amanda Bird and as I seem to say to you incessantly because somehow we seem to be in this weird mirrored journey, I relate to this on so many levels. thank you for writing your truth and your heart because via your words I don't feel so alone.
"I have a ton of judgement being "that girl" who is derailed by a guy and blah blah blah. I hate that I think about him and I hate that I talk about him like it matters to anyone else. I have to break it down as if I am a character in a play going through these circumstances - because it's not about him, really. It's about attaching feelings to something."
^^ SO MUCH YES.